On Feb. 15, 2014, Ravens star running back Ray Rice assaulted his fiancée, now wife, Teresa Palmer. A little over a month later, Rice was convicted of third degree assault, causing the NFL to suspend him for the first two Ravens games of the 2014 season. Outrage ensued. Ravens fans and fellow critics pointed angrily to the fact that only six weeks after the assault, Rice and Palmer married. If she voluntarily chose to remain and cement an abusive relationship, they said, the abuse was her fault.

This detrimental and dangerous way of thinking not only creates an unfair culture of victim blaming, it also adds guilt and shame to the already frail shoulders of abuse victims.

Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is essentially the product of an extreme, off-balance psychological dynamic. The dynamic relies on severe egotism and aggression on the part of the abuser and acute insecurity on the part of the victim. These vast differences in personality allow the abuser to exercise control over the victim.

Assigning responsibility to the victim in cases of abuse only intensifies this dynamic, pushing it to even further extremities. Blaming the victim supports the abuser’s belief that they have done nothing wrong, sanctioning a continuation of the abuse. Blaming the victims reinforces the victim’s belief they deserve their abuser’s attacks, encouraging them to remain in the relationship, continuing the cycle.  

Unfortunately, this cycle affects high school students as often as adults, and it is not restricted to marriage. One out of every three high school students will be in a abusive relationships over their four years. Studies also show teenage girls are less likely to end a relationship, and teenage girls are much more likely to be the victims of abusive relationships, 70 percent of which go unreported.

It is almost impossible for anyone not in the relationship, even someone who has experience in an abusive partnership, to fully understand the extent of the relationship and the effects of the abuse on the victim’s self-worth, mental health and psyche. At any point, a relationship can cease to be voluntary.

However, sometimes an outsider would never know. Not all abusers are the hulking, hard figures we imagine when we think of an abusive partner. An abuser can be charming, polite, charismatic. An abuser can look like a loving, caring partner. Not a jailor.

We shouldn’t disparage others for a choice that isn’t a choice at all. Victim blaming creates an unfair standard of assuming the freedom of a choice, the feelings of the victim and the lack of power in the hands of an abuser.